No matter how much I push myself and try, waking up with a migraine means I am no longer in control. Hours and days pass before I can do much more than medicate and pray for the pain to end.
It feels like such a waste of time and energy. It happens so often and interferes so drastically that I feel overwhelmed. I get so frustrated, angry, I want to cry – but that would make the already unbearable pain worse. I have been getting help and treatment but the end feels nowhere in sight. At least the doctors and Neurologist are finally taking me seriously.
I have to remind myself these headaches, migraines and various health symptoms are my body screaming out for help. Taking care of myself has often taken a backseat to other things over the years. It should be no surprise my health situation has come to this extreme.
But why and how can others seem to get away with doing way worse things like drugs, smoking, and extremes? I am not perfect at taking care of myself but who is all of the time? Complaining, wallowing, blaming, or making excuses can only get me so far. I guess this question will get me nowhere.
It feels so unfair to miss out on life and let it pass me by. The pain and frustrations are real. I have every right and reason to feel my feelings. We suffer going through situations but we don’t have to let that define who we are. Everyone struggles from time to time. Some more than others….or do some just hide it better? Some may seem to breeze through life but when they hit upon hard times, we may be the ones who teach them. Show our strengths and resilience. We can make our story about more than just the pain and suffering.
The stories of people who have been through way worse are never a comfort. We all feel the way we feel as we go through whatever it is that we must endure. No one has the right to belittle us nor our circumstances just because there is a worse extreme possible. I truly feel for anyone worse off than I. I am humbled by those who’s situations I cannot grasp, but I am here to listen with my heart and let you be heard. As I get older, I learn and understand how much sadness, pain, sorrow, suffering, guilt and horrors exist. I wish I were back to the innocence of simpler times. But knowledge, growth and empathy make me a better person.
The story I tell myself in my head can change how I react to circumstances. It can help me survive and find ways to learn from the difficult moments. I can realize everything is only temporary. Nothing lasts forever. Good and bad. Unless I let it be my one and only never ending grudge and story. Then nothing can improve or change. If my circumstances don’t change for the better, maybe my attitude will help me do more than just survive.
I have learnt to see my body, mind and heart need care. I want to help care for others, but I need this care too. If I don’t make my own care a priority, who else will? A day spent resting, sleeping, listening to my body and what I need is not a day wasted. My body has told me this is a priority and I must listen. I really don’t have a choice anyway.
Stepping away from the criticisms others vocalize, and my own hurtful self judgements isn’t easy. I often feel I am letting everyone down. Especially myself. When I explain my issues and struggles, many can’t or won’t be able to understand. Others are too caught up in themselves and their need for me to be the one always giving so I have the chance to see the truth of toxic people and relationships.
Very often those I care about are glad to know the issue isn’t that I don’t care about them, it is that I haven’t been caring for me. Telling them I struggle, letting them know they matter, and saying I need time and help can really go a long way. I also need to tell myself these very same words.
Every day I am enough. A hard day means I take care of me. A better day means I can do more and appreciate that my day is less difficult. When my body is up for it, I can still accomplish something and be helpful to others. On my bad days, I don’t have to be so angry or hate myself. It only makes things worse. When my body needs rest and cries out in pain, (yes usually both) I can see I deserve love and care too.
A day resting is not a day wasted – it is self care. Self care is necessary. I deserve to take time to care for myself. We all do.