As difficult as it can be to admit, things have gotten out of control. It is time to ask for help. I can admit my mistakes and shortcomings…begrudgingly. It’s not easy to swallow my pride and admit I am failing miserably at adulting. I’m not the only one, but it can feel like it some days.
I thought I could just keep pushing onward and somehow it would all work out. Procrastinate until I had the answers. Take cheap pain relievers so I can function. Keep hoping the pain and troubles would go away if I hold on one more day. Try harder. Get angry and fight the symptoms because the doctors can’t seem to grasp my ever growing list of complaints.
Give up one activity, set smaller goals, dream smaller dreams… Give up more activities because my body screams in pain. My heart cries out for moments lost and memories I’ll never make. Put up with people’s downcast opinions and ignore hurtful words…nothing new there. Who needs them anyway?
Years went by and I couldn’t hide the glaring truth. I have issues. Getting worse by the day. Interfering with everything. Limiting me more each day. Isolating me from the person I thought I was. Leading me in directions I didn’t choose. Turning me into a complaining, miserable, achy whiner who could no longer follow through to show up for my own life, let alone be there for anyone else. A shell trying to overcome my difficulties and be my happy easygoing self.
I never had trouble smiling through the pain before so why now is it so hard to find my light and smile? I worked 6 days a week for 22 years so why is every morning a struggle? Why do I sleep for days on end and yet I am still so exhausted? How can I survive every day with these headaches plus debilitating migraines and still have a life?
Where did I lose my way? When did I start to let the small handful of bullies ruin my perception when there are so many good people who would like to be part of my day?
It is time to evaluate everything. Evaluate everyone too?
It is time to make changes. “Doctor, something has got to change! I do have a choice. This is not the best it is going to get!”
“Human Resources has received a complaint of you smiling when you walk down the aisle.”
“Wait…What? You for real?”
10 years of trying to work past the bullying issues and the antagonizer tells HR that I am being a bully towards them because I am SMILING? And it means I am being hurtful and making fun of them…..
“I am retaliating to 15+ years of bullying by smiling? Please explain.” How am I wrong and evil yet again…?
Do I really want to work for a company and union that justify the well-known bully’s complaints? Nope…It’s not all about them…Sorry, not sorry. Was the bully (bullies) jealous I got positive attention from coworkers?
I was seen at the hospital visiting my father as he received multiple blood transfusions while doctors and surgeons tried to find the cause of internal bleeding. I was trying to make it through the workdays in tact. Desperately holding on trying not to break down and bawl as I watched my life fall apart. My workplace actions have nothing to do with causing trouble as I willed myself to make it through the workday. My only concern being to visit my father in hospital and pray he would be OK. Life hangs in the balance. Life is precious…Dad’s health improved. I could breathe again. I held my own too.
Or so I thought…
It is past time. It is all falling apart and the pieces are scattered around me in a catastrophic mess that has become too much. As I finally realized I had to take time off work to take care of myself and get my shit together I GOT TERMINATED. The final blow to humble me and make me finally say IT IS TIME. Even my friends and family tell me:
Get Your Shit Together
Tracey
Author and Founder of GYST2020
GYST2020 